These are just a few that I found myself realizing was my life. Do you see any similarities?
“If someone calls you derogatory names, even if they say they are joking, they mean to hurt you and keep you in line. Abusers sometimes cover themselves by blaming you, saying that you need to lighten up or that you are too sensitive. You are not too sensitive; you are feeling in your gut that this is not the way you should be treated. Abusers have a way of making you think that this is normal behavior and that it is you who has the problem.”
I’ve been called f
*&^%#g b #%&h and other names. I have never been able to voice my opinions.
“If your significant other always blames everything on someone else, namely you, this may be a bad sign. If he or she throws a tantrum or attacks you verbally, he or she will say it was because of you. It is not a sign of a healthy relationship if your partner never takes responsibility and never admits to being at fault.”
He is never at fault. When he’s angry, I am the one who caused him to be angry. His first inclination is to leave then tell me I caused him to be gone for as long as he is. It was constant when we were younger. Now I just don’t argue with him. It isn’t worth it.
“Not all abusers use drugs or drink excessive alcohol, but many do. An addiction can lead to erratic and inappropriate behavior. Substance abuse can be a gateway to emotional abuse and an unhealthy relationship.”
Smoking in my car when he knows I don’t want him to. When he’s drunk, he likes to hug other women. I think it’s his way of showing me that he’s attractive to other women. What’s funny is that it’s always women I know and I know how much in love they are with their husbands.
“If you feel fear around your partner or spouse, there is something very wrong. Abusers may try to intimidate you with violence, dominance or power tactics. For example, intentionally putting you in possibly harmful situations, or showing you their gun collection and stating they are not afraid to use them.”
Many years ago, he got angry with me, pushed me up against the wall and had his other fist ready to swing. Recently, that came up in an argument and he said I deserved it. Funny, it caused me to never push my point too far after that initial incident.
“This goes along with the isolation technique, where abusers want you all to themselves. If you do go somewhere or do something without your partner, or even if he or she goes along but others are also there, an emotional abuser will punish you later. An abuser may shout, insult, threaten or worse, all because you were not exclusively hanging out with him or her.”
We’ve always had “his” friends. We’ve always done what “he” wanted to do. When we are in public he takes over conversations even if he wasn’t involved in whatever we were talking about.
“An emotional abuser goes through life feeling entitled to be treated like royalty, and wants you to be a willing servant. He or she expects you to do everything and will not help at all.”
Everything is about him. My mom used to get so angry that when we visited her and it came time to leave, she lived about 2 hours away, that he would sit and talk to my brothers while I put everything together and packed in the car. Two of my brothers I only saw a couple of times a year. He was more important than I was.
“A prominent trait of abusers is their jealousy. An abusive partner or spouse is often jealous of you, other people and even your dreams and goals. Their jealousy and rage over intangible things like your aspirations stem from the lack of control they feel over those aspects of your life.”
After I started school in 2008, he didn’t want to talk to me about it and he showed no interest in it. Now he accuses me of talking down to him. That’s funny because he’s the one who has to “explain” everything to me. It’s so important to him that he tried to explain PVC to me. Really?
“An abuser is a grand manipulator and will sulk, threaten to leave, and emotionally punish you for not going along with his or her idea of how things should be. An abuser will try to make you feel guilty any time you exert your will and assert what is right for you. At times the abuser may appear to be apologetic and loving but his "remorse" doesn't last long; the abuse begins again when the abuser feels he or she has you back.”
Yeah, this is what always happens. We’ve separated 3 times in 28 years.
Each time we got back together he would be great for a while then revert back to his normal self. Never fails.
“If you are in an emotionally abusive relationship, there is a good chance that eventually things may get physical. At first, the abuser might pull your hair, push you, or grab you so hard that you bruise; these may only be warning signs that things can escalate further. A partner with an explosive temper who has reacted with violence before (breaking things, punching the wall, getting into altercations with others) may be likely to physically abuse you.
When he had me pushed up against the wall years ago, I realized, albeit subconsciously, that he might go through with it. I have seen him in public take what others say or do personally and do the whole puff up that men sometimes do. It is a theme with him.