Me and the Other Me

I know I’m not alone when I say there are two sides of me. One is the mom who would do anything for her kids. The other is the one that wants to be free of all her ties. The problem I have right now is that the one who wants to be free is becoming stronger than the other one.

I went from my mother’s house to a house with someone who didn’t think much of me. I had low self-esteem and he exploited that to his own ends. He had to be the number one and that’s what he got. Now after 28 years, I’m just done.

I want to find out what’s possible without having others tell me who I’m supposed to be or where I’m supposed to be. We all have roles we are expected to fit into. Our kids think we are supposed to be one way, our spouses or partners think we are supposed to fit their idea of who we are. Our siblings and friends have yet another idea of who were are and expect us to be that way. There is no getting around those expectations. But are we supposed to just accept that and not push the boundaries of those constraints?

I don’t believe we should. There are parts of us that never see the light of day. The reason is that we don’t think we can. We become sedate in our thinking to the point where there is only a certain way to be. We push aside our feelings and opinions because when we have voiced them, we are met with strong opposition.

The trouble with expectations that others have of us is that we may not be showing them the real us; the real person who lives inside us. Yes, they may know our political leanings or how we feel about certain people or actions others take. But they don’t really know us. They don’t take the time to know our desires or aspirations. They don’t take the time to know what moves us, what makes us still hope for something more.

I’m at that crossroads. My kids are grown now. They may still need me in a different capacity than when they were small but they need to realize I might need to be able to say what’s on my mind. After all, I’m almost 50 and I think I should be able to be me. 

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